In the doctor’s office I got news I did not want. The x-rays did not show any signs of healing or bone growth to speak of. I had promised myself that if I received this news I would be fine. I am happy to be mobile and I know it is possible to live a full life without running and hiking (my best friend promised it is just as much fun to drink mimosas and cheer on our friends from the sidelines!). The truth I know in my heart is that happiness can be found even if one has to wear a brace for the remainder.
But in that doctor’s office I guess the nervousness that comes with anticipation and buildup - and the lack of sleep - can do something to a persons frame of mind. And in that very moment I started crying. And I couldn’t stop. Eventually I found myself in the elevator STILL crying when an older lady asked me if I was ok? Quite embarrassed I said:
Yes, yes, I am perfectly fine! It’s just I started crying and I can’t seem to stop.
Silence followed as I looked down at my feet while snot and tears continued to flow. Then I heard in a voice that was breaking: “Well you know when you cry, other people will start crying too...” I looked up and the old lady was crying along with me. We both started laughing and I told her I certainly didn’t want her to cry so I was going to try to get a hold of myself. This I did. At least until I was out of her reach. But my one woman pity party lasted all the way home from Memphis and I ignored everyone who tried to call or message me to get an update.
It’s very American to not give up. And to believe that the best is yet to come.
But I don’t want to live my life striving for an outcome that may not be realistic. I don’t want to live my life in hopes of a better tomorrow. I know that my pity party was a rare self-indulgent moment that I don’t want to repeat too often. Because the truth is that it doesn’t matter if I have to live my life with a brace on my leg. I have a million things to be grateful for this very moment and my life is as good as it can possibly be. Is it “perfect”? Yes it is! It’s perfect in all its imperfections and all days will bring some good and some bad so I’m going to work on myself to always enjoy today!
Medically speaking if I don’t get bone growth in the next six months or so I may have more surgeries to replace the current metal with larger metal. I have tendons that are no longer there so drop foot is a fact and I will wear this brace perhaps forever? There is a chance I can have tendon transfer surgery down the line if everything else heals up but I’m not holding my breath. So I have a minimum of three surgeries left (the reconstructive ones) and perhaps more.
My goal now is to work very hard at physical therapy to become as strong as I possibly can with THIS body that I have. And if miracles happen I will be grateful for them but I’m not counting on them and I’m not depending on them to live a FULL life. My goal is to every night say:
The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended. Thank You for it.
