Appreciate & Frustration
I haven’t done an update in a while because I’ve been overwhelmed. This post is long but broken into love, hope and despair so you can pick what to read if you’re interested <3
The Good: I’m mobile and able to get around and highly functional. I have a new brace that I can hide in certain tennis shoes and if I wear boot cut jeans I look “almost normal” as sweet Lucy (my stepdaughter) would say. In 7 months I’ve gone from bedridden, to a wheelchair, to a walker, to crutches, to a big boot, and now to a brace. I can even drive a car
The Bad: although I’ve recovered so well I fear I have also gotten as good as I’m going to get. And from here on it’s doubtful it will get better. There is however a chance it will get worse. As of the last checkup there was still no bone growth which means that my surgeries may have to be redone. As opposed to potentially removing metal from my leg, the outlook with no bone growth is that I will have to replace current metal with bigger metal to do the job that my bones were supposed to do. I’ve also had an infection in my jaw that refuses to heal, my damaged leg hurts constantly and I tore my “other one up the other day.” My sprits are not the best because I feel my body is deceiving me. In reality I’ve been on so many medications that I think my immune system is shoot. I’m lethargic, sad and very very beating myself up for not being grateful! I’m also well aware that there are people who struggle more than me - i don’t believe we should compare struggles to feel we have to be “more” hurt than others to earn the right to worry or be scared. But it’s also important to appreciate the good we have an know there are plenty of people who have it worse.
The Money: The doctor who was going to do reconstructive surgery on me to make my leg look like a leg again could not see me unless I made a payment plan so Ty and I decided to spend the donation money there. However when we found out there most likely won’t be reconstructive surgery in September as planned because I’ll very likely have to redo the orthopedic surgeries we shifted our payments to them instead. When you owe over $300,000 in medical bills you have to carefully pay the ones who you know you will need going forward. Being an ex banker who has always had STELLAR credit it’s tough to have bill collectors call you all day (and night) day in and day out.
Physical Therapy: when I found out that my recovery might be stagnant I lost some of my motivation and I’ve not been working out much the past month (or more). Now that I finally have insurance I get physical therapy but only 20 visits after my annual deductible has been met. When you need to go 2-3 times per week it’s clear the 20 visits won’t last long so I’ve been dragging them out waiting a few weeks between visits. But Elite Physical Therapy have been beyond amazing to me and I’m going to find a way to keep going there and they also work with me to make it work. It all just got to be too much for me there for a bit and ALL workouts stopped (home too.) I’m going to get started again but I’m struggling with getting the motivation. The infections and the rounds of antibiotics have gotten the best of me and I’ve been lethargic and low on energy. What I have I spend on Lucy, on Freeman Lawn, my handful of clients and on enjoying the weekends with my handsome husband. I’ve cut out all focus on me but know I have to find the energy to to try to build my strength up to be of service to those around me.
The Grateful: I’m so very grateful to everyone and I’m so happy about my life. Ty and I are making what you would call a “lateral” move in terms of houses. Trading one in the city for one in the country. It’s the same “amount” of house but more outside space for his equipment so that we can hopefully grow the business - and best of all its in the woods and in NATURE. It’s where I’ve always felt more at home. I grew up in a village of 300 on a small island with 3,000 people and anyone who follows me on social media knows I’m out in nature any free moment I have. I’m looking forward to the peacefulness of country living.
The Despair: Even though I say I’m happy (it’s not a lie, I AM happy) I also continue to struggle with the dark, sad thoughts. I’m scared of everything. I worry about everything. I feel other people’s pain in my bones. When there is discord around me I get filled with sadness. As I shouldn’t talk too much about other people I can’t get too into it because although I share my thoughts with you I can’t share others. But the unnecessary discord doesn’t benefit anyone. Least of all the children. My friend told me today “don’t let anyone steal your joy Siri” and I’m going to try to adopt that attitude. Sometimes I wished I cared less.
The Exciting: a friend is helping me develop a website for what is hopefully to be a new venture if I can gather the internal strength and belief in myself that will be needed. It is not a book although that is what most people think. English is not my native language but rather my second language as I arrived in United States for the first time at the age of 18. So I’m not sure a book would be a great idea as I’m sure even this post is filled with spelling and grammar errors. But until I have mustered up the courage I must keep my secret project a secret for a little longer.
Thank you for listening. I love you. Yes YOU reading this I love. It really is easy to love others and I wish more people would do it.